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A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass, away from me, across the froor."
She crawled to the
other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you
crawl real fass
back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed-Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely
confused and asked the doctor exactly what is this "Ed
Zachary Disease".
"Ed-Zachary Disease....that when your face look ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
Nurses Got To Heaven
Three nurses died
and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates
by St. Peter.
To the first, he
asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you
think you should
be allowed to come into Heaven?"
"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children.
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the Gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God`s love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter."
And in she went.
He then came to the
last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do
back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren`t going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days."
History Of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Not Your Typical H.M.O.
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief resident is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees as patient masturbating in his room.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder", the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejaculate 40-50 times a day, he'll become disoriented."
As the two continue their rounds, the student peeks into another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
Diagnosis
A man walks into a Doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Whats the matter with me Doc?" he asked.
"You're not eating properly!" replied the Doctor.
Male Birth Control
After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help.
The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!"
His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion.
Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten.
Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: "6, 7, 8..."
An M.D. In Hell
A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish.
Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!"
"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"
The Facelift
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well,” says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." The woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" Exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" The doctor asks.
"Terrible!" The lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" Asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" She hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
The Cure
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him
what his symptoms are and he replies, "I
get these blinding
headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?"
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well! I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she reached climax she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and the man is back. "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
Blood Test
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."
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