RIZWORLD JOKES

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Birth Control Method

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method. They used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears were opened at that comment.

She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

Kiss My Ass

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one
about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Everybody Could Use A Little More Tail

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more
tail".

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite".

Once Upon a Time

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'...?"

"No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'."

Diagnosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast.
Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "He said that you're going to die."

Cheatin' Hearts

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

Not Tonight Honey

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.

This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Gas Grill

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. "I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone.

She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Wife or Mistress

An architect, an artist and a programmer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The programmer said, "I prefer to have both."

"Both?"

Programmer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Stiff Neck

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. When I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days, nobody offered me so as much as a glass of water!"

Leaving For Las Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there."

The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.

"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Like A Leopard

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

... "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

The Elephant

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No. Down there."

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

The Quickie

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Little Lucy Learns About Death

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for God to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well.

However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

I've Seen The Light

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

So that's what the man does and he is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

One Liner

Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month.

The Tattoo

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis.

The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway.

When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great and he paid for the service.

That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"

She said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry...and now you are going to put words in my mouth!?!?!"

The Sperm Bank

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "Open the safe!"

"But, this is not a real bank," the woman replies. "It's a sperm bank."

"Open the safe, or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.

"Now, take one of the bottles and drink it," he says.

"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.

"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"

The woman opens the bottle and drinks it down.

"Now, take another bottle and drink it!"

"But sir, I just drank one!"

"Drink another one, or I'll shoot you!"

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it, the man takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the culprit is her husband.

"See, honey," he says, "That wasn't so difficult now, was it?

The Epic Of The Baked Bean

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk.

On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"

To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Emotional Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT?" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!"

Who Gets The Sinatra Records

A very elderly couple went to see a lawyer.

They were ushered gently into the lawyer's inner office, and sat across the desk from the attorney who was studying the couple's papers.

He looked up after a moment. "How can I help you today, Mr. and Mrs. Watson?"

The woman piped up in a thin, reedy voice. "We've come to get your help in filing for a divorce."

"A divorce?" The lawyer was stunned. "If you don't mind my asking, how old are you two?"

"I'm 98 and my husband just turned 101."

"Let me get this straight. It says here you've been married since 1917. The two of you obviously aren't going to be around too many more years. Why a divorce, after all this time?"

"Well," said the woman, "we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Somebody's Missing

An old geezer and his wife are out driving, when a police officer pulls him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asks the geezer.

"Excuse me sir," says the officer, "but didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car back there?"

"Why, naw, I didn't son, thanks for telling me. I just thought I went deaf."

Marital Problems

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says "What's up?"

The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says "He did??"

The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

5 Bucks To Show

The other day a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head WHACK!

He was a little dazed and said "What was that for?"

She said that she was cleaning out his pants to put them in the laundry and found a piece of paper with the name "BLANCHE" on it.

He said, honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track and I bet on a horse named "BLANCHE" and that we won a lot of money on it.

She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good since she had made this mistake and had not trusted him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the house and "WHACK" she smacked him up side the head again.

He said, Ouch!, what was that for. She replied, your horse called today . . .

Cop & Driver

A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview
mirror.

He thinks "I can out run this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 'what the hell'" and gives up.

He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!"

The man thinks for a moment and says. . ."Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back."