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Abbreviation #1
whrthfckuben?
Previously long phrase:
"Goodness, it's
been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?"
Abbreviation #2
utypliksht
Previously long phrase:
"Say, have you heard
that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?"
Abbreviation #3
ugoturhdupyrass?
Previously long phrase:
"Are you sure about
that?"
Abbreviation #4
sowenugtoutofjail?
Previously long phrase:
"So, what have you
been up to lately, Bugs?"
Abbreviation #5
tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Previously long phrase:
"Wouldn't you rather
just type the whole phrase out?"
MICROSOFT WIDOW
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."
THE TOP 13 WEB PAGES LEAST LIKELY TO PROSPER
13) www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images
12) www.pullmyfinger.com
11) www.chicagocubs.com/worldseries
10) www.dentistry.com/drill.wav
9) www.sony.com/products/betamax
8) www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads
7) www.nails~on~blackboard.com
6) www.dole2000.org
5) www.oj.com/help_find_killers
4) www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops
3) www.marcelmarceau.com/chat
2) www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures
and the Number 1 Web Page Least Likely to Prosper...
1) www.willardscott.com/showercam
ACRONYMS
You may have heard these terms used quite frequently, but do you know what they REALLY mean?...
ISDN = It
Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance
Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame
Microsoft
DEC = Do
Expect Cuts
CA = Constant
Acquisitions
CD-ROM =
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete
Soon, Too.
SCSI = System
Can't See It
DOS = Defunct
Operating System
BASIC = Bill's
Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World
Wide Wait
TOP 10 REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on the but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
THE BOY AND THE FROG
A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is it ? I've told you that i'm a beautiful Princess, that i'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?!?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
COMPUTER VIRUS'S
Woody Allen
Virus
Bypasses the motherboard
and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding
Virus
Turns your BAT files
into lethal weapons.
Paul Revere
Virus
Warns of an impending
virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.
Hillary Rodham
Clinton Virus
Instantly turns
1 K of disk space into 1 Meg.
Ollie North
Virus
Plays a patriotic
WAV while it shreds your files.
Joey Buttafuoco
Virus
Only attacks minor
files.
Lorena Bobbit
Virus
Your hard disc turns
into a 3.5 floppy.
Ronald Reagan
Virus
Saves your data,
but forgets where it's stored.
Jane Fonda
Virus
Attacks your hard
drive's FAT.
Oprah Winfrey
Virus
Your 200 MB hard
drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB.
AT&T Virus
Every three minutes
it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus
Every three minutes
it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
Politically
Correct Virus
Never calls itself
a "virus," instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot
Virus
Activates every
component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Virus
Terminates and stays
resident. It'll be back.
Government
Economist Virus
Nothing works, but
all your diagnostic software says everything isfine.
Federal Bureaucrat
Virus
Divides your hard
disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing,
but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Adam and Eve
Virus
Takes a couple of
bytes out of your Apple computer.
Congressional
Virus #1
The computer locks
up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming
the other side for the problem.
Congressional
Virus #2
Runs every program
on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
anything.
Airline Virus
You're in Dallas,
but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes
obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size
of your friend's hard drive.
PBS Virus
Your computer stops
every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa
Virus
Your programs can
never be found again.
LAPD Virus
It claims it feels
threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
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