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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The  bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."  The mushroom says,  "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says, "I'll  just have the eggs Benedict."  His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.  He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"  The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"  "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.   "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't  stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 pm.  One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find  that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Smokin' in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.  It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea!  But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom?  Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the  pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Bunjee-Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.  The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own  bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need  - a tower, an elastic cord,  insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.  As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps.  He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he  comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.  Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.  This time, he is bruised and bleeding.  Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

The third time, he comes back pretty messed up; he's got a couple of  broken bones and is almost unconscious.   Luckily, the second guy finally catches him, and says, "What happened?  Was the cord too long?"

The first guy mumbles, "No, the cord was fine, but, what the hell is a Pinata?"

Stolen Kiss

A young soldier and his commanding officer board a train headed through the
mountains of Switzerland.  They can't find a place to sit accept for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks."

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black.  There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is setting there thinking:  "I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking:  "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young soldier sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.  He thought to himself:  "Life is good.  When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

Anal Deodorant

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks an assistant for an anal deodorant.  The assistant explains that they don't stock them.  The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.  The assistant refers the man to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.  The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years.  The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.  The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

Tickets Please

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.  At the top of the stairs stood a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.  The stewardess said, "I'm sorry
sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

News Flash: Viagra Shipment  -  Hijacked

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow Airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.

Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Real Stories Of The Non-Technically Inclined

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
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1st Person: Do you know anything about this fax-machine?
2nd Person: A little. What's wrong?
1st Person: Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?
1st Person: It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy, she answered, handing it and the car keys to me."  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
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Tech Support: What does the screen say now.
Person: It says, Hit ENTER when ready.
Tech Support: Well?
Person:  How do I know when it's ready?
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My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she  interrupted and said, Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I ?Just use
copier paper, she told him.  With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named i386. He started to type it and paused, asking me, Where's the key for that line thing?

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. I replied, You mean the letter i? and he said, Yeah,
that's it!
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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister.  I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make
a sandwich.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
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I was at a friends to watch a movie we from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, This movie has been altered to fit your television screen. Comment from other person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Masquerade Party

A guy is invited to a masquerade party and couldn't figure out what to dress up as.  He finally decided and stripped totally naked and put on a pair of roller blades on.

When asked what he was, he replied: "A pull toy of course."

Speaking Latin

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.  On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew.  The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Gone Fishin'

A father and son went fishing one day.  While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.  He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

When In Rome

Two guys immigrate to America.  On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights.  As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry.  They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.

One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God.  Do they eat dogs in America?"

"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."

The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.

The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch.  One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

Oh Shit

Shit is a powerful word.  Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can  communicate with it.  Shit may just be the most powerful word in the
 English  language.  Consider:

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.  With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place  for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat  shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.  People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit faced, and shit over.  Some  people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.  There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, and slimy shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit marbles, or shit your brains out.  You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.  You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.  Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty.  There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit.  Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.  You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit.  Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all.  You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.  You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit's creek without a paddle.

You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.  There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit.  Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.  You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world.  Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you  swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.  This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP.  Keep that in mind the next time you flush  the toilet.  And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else "Genius is the ability to reduce complicated shit into simple shit."

Poetic License

In a tiny village lived an old maid.  In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.  She was very proud of it.  She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.  The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.  They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened"

Snooty

A Texas girl and a woman from New York meet at a party. The Texas gal says, "Hi! Where y'all from?"

The New Yorker sticks her nose in the air like she's checking for rain, and replies, "Where I come from, we don't end our sentences with a preposition."

Texas gal says, "Fine.  Where y'all from...bitch!"

Snappy Dresser

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

"Actually" he said, "it didn't cost anything.  The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.  She said that was fine with her.  So... I switched the heads"

Rejected "Hallmark" Cards
 

Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire.  Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled.  "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Top 16 Rejected "Motel 6" Slogans

16.  We're working on that smell thing, too.

15.  Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14.  As seen on "COPS".

13.  If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the
       Sheets.

12.  Not just for nooners anymore.

11.  We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10.  You rented the room, now buy the video.

 9.   Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have
       money left over for a hooker.

 8.   We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

 7.   Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
       your salary, pal!

 6.   We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery better.

 5.    It's Hookerriffic!

 4.    Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

 3.    Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

 2.   Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

AND the Number 1 Rejected "Motel 6" Slogan. . .

 1.    We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.  They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.  There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  How dare you ignore us in this way!  Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.  It nearly killed us!  But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't mess with him!"