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A man was walking
along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and
didn't see anyone
so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for
letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of
that bottle that I will grant you one wish, but I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Quickies
Diamonds are a girl's
best friends.
Dogs are man's best
friend.
So figure it out
. . . which is the smarter sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Ever notice how many
of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
Q: What do
you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Viagra Copycats
With Viagra being such a hit, Pfizer is introducing a new line of drugs aimed at improving the performance of women in today's society:
DRIVEAGRA: One dose of this drug prior to leaving on a car trip will eliminate the woman's constant compulsion to critique a mans' driving ability. Allows her to understand that she cannot drive from the passenger seat.
MEMORAGRA: One tablet taken daily allowed 95% of women tested the ability to forget things their husbands said or did ten to twenty years earlier and eliminated the desire to use them as defensive mechanisms when they were proven to be wrong.
APPARELLAGRA: Allows a woman to return to her natural desire to look at least as good for her man at home as she does when she gets dolled up for work. Gives her that "June Cleaver" glow.
WARDROBEAGRA: In 98% of women tested, the desire to fill at least 98% of the homes' total closet space with clothes and own more pairs of shoes than Imelda Marcos was significantly reduced.
These are oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA
- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered
this drug noticed
that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested
to see if its effects
extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA
- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials
on President Clinton.
FLYAGRA
- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D.
(Open Fly Disorder).
Expecially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength.
And God Created Man
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite them.
Then God asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, screaming and shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine," replied God. "Then THEY get the multiple orgasms."
Men
What do you call
a man with half a brain?
> Gifted.
What's the difference
between government bonds and men?
> Bonds Mature.
What did god say
after creating man?
> I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed
to what?
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not" Shows... They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
Green Thumb
Once there was a beutiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden. However, no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's reall quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
The Gift
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and he got the panties. He mailed them to his sweetheart with this note enclosed:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I brought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked really smart.
I wish that I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt, other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Free Stuff
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
One Liner
Q: How can you tell
which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
A: It's the one
with bite marks on the cap.
Man Talk
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT Trade!"
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with Bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?
Most accidents happen in the kitchen. And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes women's sex drive by 90 percent... Wedding cake!
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and Suffering.
Tax Time
The only thing the IRS has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the time it's hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1998, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3 of the standard 1040P form.
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue
Service
Differences Betwen Men & Women
8 things you'll never hear a man say:
8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say:
8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship
get a little more physical? I'm tired of
being 'just friends'.
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop
for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure
out how to get there.
2) I don't care if
it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a
designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!
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