The Definition of Politics
A small boy asks his Dad, What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Lewinsky / Kaczynski limericks
Here are the results of a recent contest held at the Black Rose pub in  Boston's Fanueil Hall.  The Contest Requirements:  To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick.  Judged as the top 4 Entries:

Entry # 1

Entry # 2 Entry # 3 Entry # 4 (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)

Air Force One
Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One.  Bill looks at Al,chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of them and says,"I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy".

Clinton Jokes
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land!"

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
 - Yup! It's the the spread eagle

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
 

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said "Not again."

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense... Clinton
NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in  "THIS" position....

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by  the Russian ambassador.  For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.  One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.  Both men took their guns, spun, and
pulled the triggers.

<click> <click>

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.  Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".  So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes.  Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.  He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?  Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them's a cannibal".

Future Career

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.  The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test.  They took a ten dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If out son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.  Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.  The son saw the items on the hall table, and he took the ten dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.  After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.  Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.  Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a politician!"

Rewards

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll
give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

How Did The Operation Go

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Am I going to be ok?"

A nurse replied, "Yes, you're going to be fine.  It is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Cannibals

One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals.  There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25.

The visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?"

The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?"

Hillary Phones Home

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape -- except for one slight problem -- she was pregnant!

Hillary told the doctor there was no way, but the doctor insisted that she most definitely was a month pregnant.

Well, Hillary stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist desk, grabbed took the phone and called the White House.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to   talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!

President Clinton remained completely silent.

At the top of her lungs, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SEX FIEND? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally, Bill Clinton quietly asked: "Who is this???"

Coincidence?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The President's Addiction

The other day President Clinton was walking around the White House all morning with a pair of ladies panties on his arm.

Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now but no one had the courage to say anything.

At 1200 hours the President's Marine Aide de Camp relieved his Air Force counterpart who whispered what he'd seen in the Marine Major's ear.

Being a confident and tactfully articulate Officer and a Gentleman, the Marine Major purposefully strode into the Oval Office, positioned himself centered and 3 paces in front of the President's desk and politely inquired what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm.

President Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."

Non-Authenticated Quotes from "Oralgate"

"What's wrong with me extending my probe?  The president did the same thing."
    --Kenneth Starr

"The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury."
     --Monica Lewinsky

"The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories."     --Sam Donaldson

"If the president can convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he's got my vote!"    --Newt Gingrich

"Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?"
   --Marv Albert

"The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with those interns."      --OJ Simpson

"The president should take up skiing."     --Al Gore

"If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done."  --Vernon Jordan

"Wow, things are looking bad for Clinton again... so if you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker."    --Saddam Hussein

"Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the study door is locked." --George Stephanopoulos

"In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper."  --Madeliene "She-Wolf" Albright

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