Q. Am I more likely
to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll
have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest
way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once
a year.
Q. What is the most
common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be
the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type
is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born,
say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig
is up.
Q. My husband and
I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials.
Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months
pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck,
right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know
if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu,
you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells
me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are
greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became
pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything
that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've
been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion
rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what
you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant
I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're
fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five
months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your
question, dipshit?
Q. Will I love my
dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your
husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances
can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex
is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference
between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the
pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth
instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is
she right?
A. Yes, in the same
way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best
time to get an epidermal?
A. Right after you
find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason
I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the
word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once
I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel
only-doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews,
journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause
hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes
anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best
place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe
alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean
when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that
the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize
nipples?
A. Bathe daily and
wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible
twos?
A. Your breasts
after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best
time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see
teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp
reflex?
A. The reaction
of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get
pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's
much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep
first.
Q. What happens to
disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored
in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have
a baby shower?
A. Not if you change
the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby
blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied
bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for
new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night
terrors?
A. Frightening episodes
in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born
last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids
are in college.
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